Screwing over your local McDonald's

INTRODUCTION

Ok... everyone is familiar with the world's largest and fastest growing fast food chain, McDonald's. The founder, Ray "Crock", wanted an environment where families and friends could get food with friendly service at any time of the day... Boy, what a crock, at least now.

To top everything off, McDonald's attacks decent food establishments by criticizing the food content... not like you'll find anything not genetically engineered in McDonald's food... Everyone must realize that McDonald's sucks, and you must do your part to put the f***ing place out of commission...

As far as I can tell, everyone in McDonald's is rude and has an attitude, from the management to the customer. They, as most restaurants do, firmly believe THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. This is true even when the customer is an a**hole with blind disregard for everyone and everything. This is where you come in... Here are a few things that you can do to put your local McDonald's in it's place...

Recently in the news, a major group sited McDonald's as the most environmentally responsible establishment on the planet (note: this is even over green peace and Sally Struthers)... how the hell is this possible?

SENIOR CITIZENS BENEFIT DAY/WEEK

McDonald's is nice to senior citizens. Every McDonald's offers free or reduced price meals or drinks to Senior citizens... Now, all you have to do is attract them. For a minimal price, you can publish an ad in the local newspaper, or publish your own flier (can be cheaply made) which explains that a certain day/week, your local McDonald's will recognize senior citizens with free food, coffee, senior activities, you know... a big senior social. You may want to mention that other organizations will be there to speak and make the whole "event" decent... Now, if your McDonald's already offers free/reduced coffee, food, or sodas, this will definitely break them, and cause them to order much more supply, and could even cause them to run out of coffee or soda for the rest of the day... on the other hand, if they don't offer this, the mass crowd of old people asking for s*** will certainly p*** someone off... This has been tested, and as a result, a McDonald's had to close for a day to reorganize and reorder supplies, as well as "launch an investigation" about this Day, but they never turned up anything.

GARBAGE CAN TRICKS

Since McDonald's is usually a busy restaurant, the trash bags fill up quickly and must be changed frequently (but never are.) There are several things you can do to the trash cans. For starters, ask for hot or boiling water. If you don't want to attract attention by doing this, bring in your own really hot water... boil it, put it in a Styrofoam cup or a thermos... once in McDonald's, locate the filled trash can (should not be hard to find) and dump the hot water down the side. Not only will this melt the side of the bag, causing the trash to go everywhere, the person who takes out the garbage must pick up all the trash by hand and dump out the trash can with water in the bottom. This also soaks the trash, breaks up paper, and makes the whole experience quite unpleasant, but hilarious to watch.

Another easy trick is to walk up to the trash can areas, take the trays sitting above the trash cans, and simply throw them in all the cans. This will either make the employee fish them out by hand, or will cause the restaurant to be short of several trays, which becomes quite annoying.

FOOD TRICKS

There are several things to do with the food. Since there is probably something wrong with it in the first place, you might want to simply make the problem bigger... Before you enter the restaurant, cut some of your hair, or hair off of a pet. When at your table, place the hair all over the inside of the burger. When the line at the counter is long, and everyone is busy, cut up to the front of the counter, and start complaining about your burger. Show EVERYONE the hair inside the burger. You will get another burger, and most likely, a lot of free s*** so you will come back. You will also cause most everyone to leave, and people in the kitchen to get s*** on by the manager.

ON A BUSY DAY...

Busy days are the best. Customers are in a hurry, so are the employees... everyone has a short fuse and usually do not pay attention to what you say, or get very p***ed. Ask for real dumb s***... For example, "I'd like a 69 piece Chicken McNugget." The best thing to do is to order a simple cheeseburger, and screw it all up with special orders... For example, "I'd like a cheeseburger, with extra cheese, no mustard, extra catsup, extra onions, lettuce, tomato, a real little dab of mayo, and make it well done... oh wait, I don't want cheese anymore. Just put extra lettuce on it... [wait for them to send the order back to the kitchen]... then Oh, wait, sorry... I just want a BigMac." You can also say, "I'd like a medium Coke with just 4 pieces of ice in it." They will always do what you say... Keep in mind that special orders do not cost extra, so you can order a hamburger, ask for extra mustard, catsup, and somewhere in there, casually mention extra cheese... 9 times out of 10 this works... and you don't get charged. NOTE: if you hear a printer printing followed by 3 beeps somewhere in the kitchen, your grill order was printed, and will be made... so change it after you hear that.

In some McDonald's, you will find the "Need A Penny - Take a Penny," Where people put in their loose change in case someone else is short some money... steal ALL the money in this. In one month, I made $42.71 from stealing the money from all the Need A Penny cups in my area... This is a good secondary income for lazy people.

If you plan on a big order, start off by telling the person you just want a soda. After they give a total and get ready to take your money, add an item. Keep saying "That's it" and repeat this process until you have what you wanted, and have wasted several minutes. You can also have the cashier repeat your order as many times as you wish, also wasting time.

THE INQUIRING CUSTOMER

McDonald's managers pride themselves in knowing the answers, and employees like to pretend that they do. So, on a busy day, keep asking dumb questions... Here are a few to ask... Oh, never actually order anything... just hold up the line with your questions. Here are a few questions to ask:

• "How is your meat prepared at the factory?"
• "What part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?"
• "Who was the BigMac named after?"
• "What is the post-cooked weight of your quarter pounder?"
• "Where does your come from?"
• "How fresh is your ?"
• "What is the square root of 69.666?"
• "What is the nutritional value of a 9 piece McNugget box?"

DRIVE-THRU FUN

McDonald's videos tell the employees that the Drive Thru makes up for more than 40% of the average McDonald's business. Simply put, this system needs a lot of work. The speakers rarely work, and you usually get your order screwed up. The first thing to do is to take your car and back over the cut square in the pavement right beside the order sign several times. This causes a loud annoying "bong" to be heard by everyone with a headset... eventually the manager will come out with a weapon, and this is where you leave.

Another thing to do is to drive up, and say, "I just want a lot of butter..." or "I'd like a large penis to go please." Usually, people in the drive thru service will laugh or screw something up, and you will get yelled at by the manager... waaah.

If you want free food, order something in the drive thru. Keep your window down to listen to other orders. After you receive your food, park and enter the restaurant. Go to the front of the line and tell the person on duty that your order was screwed up... it helps to remember what someone else's order was, and then you just ask for that... you will get it. Sometimes, you even get free food for having a screwed up order.

This prank requires guts, but can be somewhat amusing. Simply drive up in front of the sign, turn your engine off, and go inside the restaurant and eat. There's always room to park in the drive-thru lane... You could also tell the drive-thru person that your car stalled, and you will have to call the motor club. This can put a drive-thru out of commission until you decide to move your car.

If you happen across a McDonald's that is expecting deliveries, or has cleaned the parking lot, you will notice traffic cones. You can move these cones around the drive-thru sign. Some people are stupid and will drive thru them anyway, so you may want to place a sign saying "DRIVE THRU CLOSED - - SORRY - MANAGEMENT." You can also place a legitimate order at the drive thru and right after your order, you can put a sign on the drive-thru sign saying the same "closed" message. The drive thru sensor does not sense foot traffic, so you can walk up to the sign and put one there...

The drive thru headsets can be a good source of amusement. When ordering, mumble your order, scream it real loud, or say it like the microphone is cutting out, for example, "I'd like to order a LARGE ibbit-obbt-ibbit-urger with no Sa... and extra and I'd also like a Med Oke." When they ask you to repeat, do the exact same thing. Remember, that as soon as you drive up to the sign, they can hear everything in your car... even if they are not talking. As soon as they ask for your order, turn your stereo up real loud, and begin to say your order... this screws everything up... Also, ask for a hotdog, or an item that you know they don't have. If you have the guts, are really bored, and are not driving YOUR car, take them seriously when they say "please drive through." This would be the ultimate action, putting your local McDonald's out of business.

If you have a simple shortwave transceiver, Ham Radio, or powerful handheld transceiver, you can talk to the entire drive-thru crew. The antenna is located above the cashier in the drive-thru box and has a receiving radius of the entire store and about half of the parking lot. You can add stuff to peoples orders, or just screw around. Drive thru people have noticed that illegally powerful CB radios, side band radios and even some car phones can be picked up with the headsets. Be innovative and use these to p*** the employees off. If you do not have access to one, simply hide behind the sign, and shout extra food or obscenities at the sign...

GREASE DISPOSAL FUN

This next trick involves little or no intelligence, or imagination, but seems to get people every time. Behind McDonald's, usually found next to trash cans or the empty soda-syrup containers, you will find a large drum marked "not-fit for human consumption" or "inedible contents." Although these warnings belong in the food, they mark the grease vat. This is tightly sealed for a reason... it smells like dead human. They are also easy to open. Usually, you can loosen the ring around the top and open the lid. Be sure to cover your face when you do this... it does smell like s***... The nice thing about this is that the smell will cover the entire parking-lot area in roughly 10 minutes. Chemically, the smell will cause nausea, and definitely a loss in appetite. People will get sick everywhere, and definitely cause a loss of customers at McDonald's...

A simple addition to the previous trick would be to tip the can. The grease will probably have hardened, but on a warm day or if the black can is left in the sun, it will leave a sticky, raunchy mess in the parking lot that will be impossible to clean up, and will stink infinitely. This is a way to make the trick more damaging and longer lasting.

DUMPSTER FUN

McDonald's, or any fast food restaurant usually has a high volume of garbage output (not including the food). If you can travel around and find large objects, you can dispose of them in the trash containers. If you clog them up, not only will the store have to pay for an extra collection of trash (to remove what you put in there), They'll have to pay extra for later (or earlier) you do it, as well as what kind of objects you put in there. You can also put the empty silver soda containers, bread racks, or even signs and loose McDonald's s*** in the trash. They won't appreciate the loss, and it's gonna cost them money at both ends. Lame but definitely effective.

PHONE ORDER PHUN

One thing that is not very well known is that McDonald's accepts phone orders. This is a simple process. A serious, adult sounding voice can call a local McDonald's and claim that they have a large order that they would like ready for pickup. You supply a BS phone number, a BS name, and a BS order. The larger it is the better. Usually give about a half an hour to an hour notice to have the order ready. Good reasons for the orders are usually family get- togethers, meetings at local universities, etc. The university excuses are much better, because you can supply a college phone number (found in the phone book) and if they call (the usually don't) to verify the order, they will get the office, and will think it's legitimate. This prank is a beauty because after the manager takes the order, it is given directly to the kitchen, who begins the order. Again, they very rarely verify the orders, so it is easy to pull these off. To make this prank better, you should throw in mass quantities of food items that people NEVER eat -- Filet O' "Fish", Fajitas, etc... You can also call them back at the time of pickup, and say "sorry, we decided to eat at burger king..." DO NOT enter the restaurant and ask to buy the items at a cheaper price, like the old pizza man trick... that's just lame.

COMPUTER PHUN

A nice thing about McDonald's is that it is linked via computer (and modem) to OakBrook, Illinois. Check your local phone book for a McDonald's with 2 lines. The second line is usually the computer line. You may also try Information. If you aren't able to get the number, read these next 3 parts...

• McDonald's are listed by Restaurant number in the phonebook. You can retrieve the number, then call the restaurant, asking for the manager. When the manager identifies himself, with his name, you write the name down, and tell him to get bent or something. With that information, you can call McDonald's 800 number, or any McDonald's Corporation HQ number in OakBrook, Illinois (they will relay your call). You say you haven't been receiving updates or any purchase orders, you identify yourself, and your store number, and location (city, state...). They will check the listings, and read off the phone number of the computer. If they won't give it to you, they will allow you to change the computer number, where you give them your enemies phone number or something, and they will get called by modem repeatedly...
• Call your local McDonald's, identify yourself as Bill Haggan of Computer Services, McDonald's, Oakbrook... etc. Say you are updating your records, and need the computer telephone number. Get the number, then give them a bulls*** verification number.
• This is not very imaginative, but it works... it's also risky... wooooo. Find the phone box, open the user service box, connect any phone with an RJ-11 adaptor to the box and type your local ANI number (211, 811-9967) etc... do that for each line that enters the restaurant. Then reconnect it... you have the numbers.

Now that you have the numbers, there is a lot you can do. It is not wise to enter the computer. Although goodies are buried there, any changes you make are corrected that night with a verification call. It is also verified voice. However, everything in the restaurant is connected to the computer. Once you call the number, and connect to the computer, just sit there. The computer freezes all time clocks, order programs, etc. Every display will be marked "BUSY." This prevents anyone from punching in or out, the manager from checking labor, printing schedules, do inquiries about anything... basically interrupt most managerial and owner duties. If you find a constant busy signal, this is very easy to correct. Simply ask for an operator interrupt. If the operator breaks in, the beep will hang up the modem, allowing you to call right in. This prank does have profound effects on the McDonald's. It is highly recommended.

FREE S*** AT McDonald's

Yes, I do mean s***... If you are involved in that f***ing money crunch like everyone else, and you feel that your money should be spent on better things, rather than s***ty food, here are a few pointers for free food. These have all been tested. If you are caught in the act of getting free food, nothing will happen, and it will be a big source of amusement...

• Cheeseburger - On a busy drive-thru day, you can ask for a special order. Ask for a hamburger with an extra item, like mustard or something, and casually sneak in "extra cheese." If the employees are stupid enough (a given), and the grill doesn't question it, you will find yourself with a nice fresh cheeseburger for the price of a hamburger... whoopee...
• Any Item - The BEST thing to do is order something in the drivethru, and then come in the restaurant with the bag from drive thru and say "You forgot ..." If you ask the employees at the counter, 9 times out of 10, you will get it... To be on the safe side, you may want to go home, call the McDonald's, say you went through the drive thru and you didn't get your food item. You can give a bulls*** name or whatever, usually they don't even take the name, and the next time you go in, you say you called, and you will get gift certificates or free food... works every time.

BASTARDIZING FOOD ITEMS

If you want to attract a certain degree of attention to yourself, and make employees and customers laugh, when you order food, f*** up the names to say something cool... You'll still get the food you don't want, and this too is a source of amusement. Spur-of-the-moment name bastardizations are by far the funniest, but here are a few suggestions...

• SHMEGMA MAC, SHMEGMA SACK - instead of Mega Mac
• CHICKEN McF***UPS - Chicken McNuggets (be sure to ask for the 69 piece)
• McDICKEN - McChicken (ask for extra Mayo and smile...)
• CHOKE - Coke (I'd like a small choke with no ice)
• McRIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE - McRib... Do they still make this?
• FAGINA - Fajita (I'd like a FAGINA with extra cheese...)

IMPORTANT

Remember that McDonald's slogan is Food, Folks, and Fun... Just take the "fun" part to the limit... You sort of have to compensate for the a**hole "folks" and the s*** "food."

If you get bored, start molesting kids on the playland or just break s***... throwing salt shakers (plastic or glass) at the outside wall of the McDonald's is fun too... take advantage of whatever there is in McDonald's... there are infinite possibilities to create your local McDonald's an utter McHell. Don't consider it illegal (most of it isn't...) consider it more of a public service. Yeah... That's it.